Something Controversal

Before I go into this I ask you go in with an open mind about eating, weight loss, and think about how we all are different things might work for you but not another person.

So, lets go back...way back to me in Jr High and High School shall we? If you knew me you never saw me eat at school did you? Why? Because I actually have a fear of eating in front of others, it makes me anxious. I have always been that way, but never told anyone really because come on it sounds stupid. I can eat in front of a few friends or family, but no one else. Heck I still feel weird eating in front of Sloan! I can't explain it it is just the way I am. I also never ate breakfast, because I wasnt hungry and it also makes me sick if I do. That means during high school I only ate one meal, dinner, that is it. I was skinny, I was healthy, I was in a good mood....sometimes...lol I also swam a couple miles 5 days a week, but you never saw me feeling bad from only eating one meal did you? Nope you did not. Why is that? Because I ate my daily calories from 5pm to 9 pm, I ate dinner and then usually a snack and that was it.

Now here we are years later and I have been struggling to get to where I was. You listen to all this stuff going around about how you should eat breakfast, you should eat small meals all day, you should count calories, you should only eat certain things, etc. We all believe it to be true right? Everyone is doing it, everyone is doing fine with it, but some dont! I have been trying for years to get to where I want to be, I get close, but it's very difficult for me everyday to eat constantly and wake up and eat breakfast...ugh just thinking about it drives me crazy! Now calorie counting did work for me to a point, but then it didn't.

Years of this constant trail and error got me thinking about those high school days. Even when I was done with swimming I still maintained my weight, in fact I did until I got pregnant with Jase, but why? You would think that I drop the swimming miles for 5 days but ate the same I would get fat right? But I didn't! I didn't until Jase was eating solids, I remember after I had him I was able to wear my high school jeans like I never had him...seriously!! Then I had to start feeding him lunch, so I started eating lunch. He got older and needed snacks, so I did the same. Then he started wanting breakfast and I did the same. I followed his schedule, and gained an insane amount! Ok insane for me anyways, I went from 140 to 170, after Caroline 180. Caroline is now 3 years old and after living like everyone tells you to do I have only been able to see 155!

3 years of weight going up and down, doing the 5 meal crap, forcing myself to eat breakfast, working out off and on. And I could not figure out why I wasnt dropping weight! Then I thought ok I'll eat clean, 3 weeks of it and I gained 5 lbs...Really?! So I started thinking about skinny me, how did I go all those years of maintaining my weight without changing anything...I ate one meal and only ate at a certain time of the day. BINGO! A light went off in my head! Stop forcing yourself to eat breakfast, eat 5 times a day, it is not working for ME!

With that thought going in my head I started searching online about this, and sure enough it actually has a name...intermittent fasting. Tons of articles about how for some people it is just normal for them to not want to eat, and that is me! I can't wait till 5 pm anymore but I am seriously not hungry until noon or 1 pm no matter what time I get up. To me I don't consider it fasting, its just normal for me to go long period without eating. So I started my normal eating habits again two weeks ago, except now I eat at noon and again around 5 pm with the kids. That is the only time I am hungry and the only time I have ever been hungry so it works. I am not having side effects of starving or anything because I am still getting my daily 1200 calories. Yes it means I eat more at each meal but then again I am going hours between meals. And this is coming from someone who gets extremely dizzy if my blood sugar gets low, I feel 100% fine.

You are probably wondering how much weight I have lost, 1 lbs a week, so 2 lbs. The considered healthy weight loss for everyone, something I have not seen since starting wanting to lose weight 3 years ago.

Do I think this is for everyone? Oh gosh no! Some people need to eat more than others to be happy and healthy. You have to do what is right for you and only you, but this is right for me. I dont have to think about it, there is no hard work with planning 5 small meals, I am not obsessing about food, I am living an easy day now, and I am in hopes that I will see that 140 or even 145 in my near future. 20 pounds to go!

How are you?

How am I today? Horrible and I can't shake it. I don't feel loved by a certain someone I don't have romantic memories of him I feel alone I feel angry that I don't have a lovey relationship I'm jealous of other people's relationships I want to tell him, but he is in a war zone so I suck it up I feel forgotten since all he worries about is his stupid friends I feel like a bitch because I think his friends are stupid I hurt because he wont tell me that he misses me as much as I miss him I hurt because he is cold and distant I'm upset because I want to give up I'm depressed and just want him to show me that he loves me, a letter, something anything! F this, it doesnt even matter what I feel or think

I want to become a minimalist

As everyone knows I have anxiety and depression on top of other mental issues that I have been dealing with for years. With this deployment I am trying to focus on other things to keep me out of depression, but the heat is not helping. I want to lay around and do nothing, but then again if I even breathe I'm covered in sweat so there is a reason! Haha Today though I have been extremely bored, and with boredom brings anxiety. So since I have no friends here, no one to talk to here, and I really hate bothering people I know in The US I started thinking about getting out and going shopping. Why shopping? I honestly blame Jacksonville, NC for this, there was not a single thing to do there so everyone shopped. It was just what you did, because there was nothing to do! I never shopped before then, ever really, but some how it became my go to for 6 years. There is a problem with this though...you end up with so much crap you could live without. Eventually clutter, and I hate clutter! Everyone on my dads side of the family is a hoarder, my mom says she isn't but she really is, and so I grew up around hoarders. Not the tv show type where you can't walk around, the house was actually very clean but there just seemed to be so much stuff! I always thought we were not like this, until we moved cross country two years ago. It was a realization for me, we have to much! Funny thing is we only filled a medium I think uhaul truck, so it wasn't that bad I guess. Now though we live in a 1400 sq foot home vs our 800 sq foot duplex in NC. So I'm looking around today and I think, in two years we have to move again and I don't want to do that crap again! I want to become a minimalist! The problem is going to be my boredom shopping! My kids don't allow me to do things during the day so I am pretty much bored every day till they go to bed, this will be interesting! Let's figure out how I need to become a minimalist shall we? I say I need a plan of attack! I'm going to start with the living room, it is the closest to being minimal I think, then I'll move to each room with a plan of attack. Let's begin! Living room: What is in here: couch, large entertainment center/book shelf, wheel, bike, Sloans computer desk, Sloans guitar stuff, and a recliner What should go: the recliner, but needs go be replaced with a bookshelf for Sloan because he has tons of books for flight school and work polled on his desk...like I said I hate clutter and his desk drives me nuts! Everything else is nicely organized and clean. Kitchen: You know what is in here What should go: clean off the top of the fridge (all kids stuff!), clean out the appliance cabinet because we don't ever use anything in there but in all honesty it was all gifts we never buy appliance gadget type stuff, clean off countertop I keep it pretty clean but I would nothing at all on it. Hall closet: I just cleaned this out not that long ago and there isn't really anything in it, but I need the reminder to get rid of the kids old jackets that don't fit anymore. We don't need jackets here so they are seriously tiny! Haha Toy room: You know what's in here duh lol Oh how I hate this dang room so much! It annoys me because they rarely play in it, and they always make such a mess when they do! I just did a huge clean out a month ago, but kept things they said they would play with...they still haven't. So, I want to get rid of everything I know for a fact they haven't touched. Besides they just got legos from my mom and they only play those now anyways. Yet again here is another thing we did not buy! We stopped buying toys except for Christmas because my parents always send them stuff. This year I'll be at their house for Christmas so they are not getting anything from me this year. They seriously will not notice so no harm done! The kids rooms: I just did their rooms a month ago and made them minimilist, it's wonderful! Still need go through again just to make sure I'm happy with what is left. Bathrooms: there is nothing in there, seriously haha I have a tiny box of makeup and a tiny box of nail polish plus Sloan and I both only have products we legit use. Our bedroom: Just the dang closet which is mainly just sloans unorganized clothes. He enjoys buying clothes since he goes out with friends to bars, out to eat, etc and I don't so I blame him for the closet! I have two pairs of jeans, 6 shirts, and a pair of shorts. Lol I'm already minimalist in the clothing area! It's called I don't leave the house chic...yes... I think just by organizing his things the closet will be nice, I can't get rid of things of his I don't know what fits and what doesn't. The rest of the bedroom is minimalist, it's where I relax so I make sure there is nothing in there. Craft area: Ugh this is where my shopping habit is shown. I use to be big into crochet and knitting, now I'm not, so I got rid of lots of yarn and all my crochet hooks. Knitting needles and other misc craft stuff still needs to be cleaned out, majority of what I buy I actually do use, I just haven't because of the heat lately (it's insane hot over there). I haven't been to micheals more than once in the past 6 weeks though so yay me! After typing this all out I see I'm close to my minimalist goal! Let's how it goes!

My own little secrets

I never want to work outside of the house till the day I die I want to make a living off my art, even though I'll never be good that. I want to write a book, but my grammar sucks, and even though people tell me I should I know I would suck at it. Everything makes me feel guilty, even that $4 coffee. I lack self confidence, even though I have been told I am intimidating more than once. I desire to be one of those pretty skinny girls that look awesome everyday, but I know I will never be that. I'm far to ugly and chubby to achieve that. I want to go back to age 12 and start over, or at least 3 months after I married Sloan when we chose to have kids. Every time Facebook recommends I friend my bully I want to message him that he ruined who I am, but then that means after all these years he still won...which he has. I hate being a mom. Everyday I struggle very hard mentally It annoys me to see moms that enjoy life, when I have to be heavily medicated just to survive it. People think I just want attention, but I'm actually saying what I truly think and feel. I have been told many times in public that I'm horrible mom because of Jase complaining that he wants to go home and I get mad because I can't ever go anywhere because of him complaining. I want to be able to take Caroline to the beach without hearing Jase a minute into the trip bitching and screaming to go home. I'm anxious every single day meds or no meds. I'm still fighting depression, meds or no meds. I hate my life and I don't know how to like it

Nothing not to love about artists

Today we had to get out to get my medicine refill and me being the type of person that must go more than one place when I have to get the kids dressed to decided we needed to go to the pet store. We like to go there because the kids can watch all the furry animals that mommy wont allow. I'm all for snakes, but mice and rats? Umm no...although mice are cute, still...no. While we were parking I noticed that next to the Trek bikes was an art store I had never been to. I thought why not we will go in there and check it out. First off it was small, but they had everything I love! All the Tim Holtz stuff you could ever dream about, and I wanted it all! haha I was good though and got none, yay me! They had all different types of paints that you don't see at Micheals, canvas galore, and so much more. It was fun to go through and look at everything even though the whole time Jase was complaining he wanted to go home. Then when we were about to leave and I was debating on the size of canvas I wanted to get, Jase started grabbing things and so did Caroline. I have never seen them act this hyper in a store, grabbing and shrieking. I instantly became embarrassed because there were other people near us staring, but then this lady came up to me. She had artist practically written all over her. She had colorful dreadlocks, paint stained clothes, and wearing all black. She looked at me right in the eyes and said "I have never seen kids get so excited about art supplies, you must be an amazing mother to allow them to express their creativity even if it means being loud in an art store." I never even thought of it that way! They were probably just as excited as I was to see all these new paints, the large canvas bigger than them all white and ready for messy fun. I guess some times it takes an outside person to show you what your kids are thinking.

Hello my name is Kendra, and I have a mental illness

I keep telling myself this when I have a bad day, "it's not your fault, it's time to stop blaming yourself". For a week I have had what I call my bad days, and I have to keep reminding myself, you have a metal illness. I'm learning to force myself out of my anxiety by doing some art, craft, read, etc to get my mind to calm down. My anxiety attacks are not short lasting, they last hours sometimes, and the whole time it feels like I would think a heart attack feels like. You may be thinking my gosh this is all she talks about it seems! But there is a reason, talking or typing makes me feel better, it's like a release for me. The only way I can explain it is you know when you have to pee really bad it hurts, and when you finally get to go you get this instant feel of relief? That is the way this is for me. I realized that on our long drive up to North county this past Sunday. You see Sloan is my best friend, and really over the years has turned into the only person that will sit and listen to me and randomness. But, with that comes worry, worry that he does not need. He knows everyday I struggle to make it through the day, and he has seen me turn from this happy person, to a miserable almost shell. He worries about me because of this, and I don't like for his stressful life to be anymore more stressful because of me. Finally though I opened up to him... I can't focus...on anything...in fact it's amazing I did so well in my last years of college Loud noises stress me out(ie the tv) I worry about..well I have no idea and that frustrates me Everything frustrates me because I can't focus I have to keep busy all day, but the kids don't allow that so I get frustrated, and then angry The idea of not having the one person that understands I'm struggling for 6 months, scares me...I love my parents but they suck at listening to me, always have When I get frustrated or anxious, I shut down I can't sleep Everything is horrible circle with me, but I'm learning to accept that this is who I am now, if only it would just go away though so I can be the old me.

To tell you truth...

Before you begin to read this post I ask that you do not judge me, mentally or verbally. If you follow me on Facebook you know I went all crazy back in Jan and Feb. I was swimming, running and biking miles a week getting ready to compete in a triathlon in July. Then toward the end of Feb I ended up with a staph infection some how in my right ear. That infection was insanely painful, and I found out when I went to the ENT that I have lost 50% of my hearing in that ear due to it being almost full of scar tissue. I can't even use qtips in that ear anymore because it won't even fit. That infection caused me to stop working out for over two weeks because I was so sick from it, and so began my downward spiral. I'm still scared to death to go swim even though I was given the ok from ENT, but why have I stopped running and biking? I honestly have no idea. I have ran a few times through out the past few months, but other than that...nothing. I can blame the fact that Sloan was gone for two of those months, but really I could have done something. Let's face it, I gave up. I can no longer go to the triathlon I was working for because of Sloans deployment, so that is no longer my motivation, and I really have zero motivation to waste my time working out. Yes, working out to me is a waste of time, why? Because when I was killing myself with it I didn't loose like I wanted and then bam I stopped loosing weight and inches. When that happens...I say screw this shit I'm not wasting time. With that came weight gain and here I am back to where I started... What is going to motivate me to waste my time working out now? I can't work out while the kids are awake anymore because Sloan works days (thank goodness!) so that means wasting my special three hours when they go to bed. You see I have kids that do not allow me to do anything during the day, spinning will be ruined if I try it, paint will be stolen, and anything else will be broken. So what is going to motivate me to waste my special time to get back to where I was so I can quit again, gain it back, hate myself even more than normal, make myself waste time to loose it again, quit......etc...

Sorry no Texas

When we found out when Sloans predeployment leave was we of course figured we would go to Texas. After some thought though I finally told Sloan I did not want to waste money to listen to a certain someone bitch because I don't have the kids over there every freakn day. Now if you are from Texas you know how a june is there, over 100 everyday and you avoid going out if you can. So we end up sitting there doing nothing till around 5 when it finally cools down. I don't want to waste money doing this! I'm about to spend 6 freakn months there, and I don't want to add to it! See now I sound selfish, so I told Sloan I would fly him down there, he is the one leaving so he is most important. Turns out he thought I wanted to go and in fact he does not want to waste money on a Texas trip either. So good no time wasting trip down there. We have realized over the years that every time we waste money on a Texas trip, it truly is a waste of time and money. Sloans friends love to see him and hang out with him every night, but I have no one there anymore. They all disappeared and taught me that I never really mattered to them. So I hang out in my parents house the whole time and never leave it. Which is fine my mom is my only best friend now, but she knows it's almost become depressing to go back to all Sloans many friends and no one giving a shit to see me. But whatever so is life for me. You know I think I need to look over Sheldons friend chart to see how you make friends, because everyone I went to high school still has best friends that they talk to all the time, give a shit, and even makes trips to see them. Hmmm now how on earth do you get a friend like that?! I've even asked Sloan how he has friends galore but I know it's because everyone that meets him loves him. I know I know I bitch and bitch about this, but if you have friends you have no idea how it feels.

Let's be honest

All you ever hear anyone say about motherhood is how wonderful it is, how much they love having kids and they can't imagine life without them because they are so wonderful. Then they throw up rainbows all over you with their happy motherhood stories. In our society we are not allowed to say bad things about motherhood because then you are seen as a horrible mother. I never say what I really think because then I'm judged as being a bad mom. Some of you may be thinking, "don't care what people think", trust me I would love to but that is impossible for me. In my mind every single person in the world is judging me and thinking how horrible I am, how horrible I look, etc....but I am getting off topic...
Don't you ever just think "damn being a mother sucks ass!"? Think about it we have to wake up with them, clean after them, feed them, and basically end our lives for them. Dads don't, they get to go on going out with friends, and enjoying life like a normal person. Moms, ha!, we get to raise to kids who for a few years when they hit puberty will hate us with every bone in their body. Yes when they hit young adult they will like us again, but by that time it won't matter because they won't be in our house throwing fits about stupid things.

So why this post? I am annoyed at the fact that I have hobbys, I have other interests, but I am not allowed to do them during the day. My kids throw a fit if I go near the computer, near my wheel, near a spindle, or anything I may want to do for fun because they want to eat my day away with toys and cleaning. If you are a mom you know what I am talking about! We all end up spending our day cleaning and entertaining them with the thought of "when they go to bed it will all be about me", but then bedtime comes...and you have more to do! You have to get work done or school, so where does the "me time" come in? Ha! Me time, such a funny thought, you're a mom now me time is a figment of your imagination! Even society tells us that we are horrible if we even think about wanting me time, "you should be happy being a stay at home!". Well I call bullshit society! Don't get me wrong I love being a stay at home mom, and I hope I never work a day in my life, but it sucks! It sucks the big one when you are not allowed to do anything! I am to the point where I am seriously about to sell off all my craft supplies and clear out my studio completely, why have it when I can't even use it?!

....do you hear it...society wanting to scream at me for thinking motherhood sucks, and I bet some of you want to do the same, don't you?

Let's get personal

I need some place to vent out personal things about what i go through that many may not want to read on Facebook, so shall we start?

While pregnant with Caroline, Sloan and i came to the decision that we did not want any more kids. Also my OB recommended we do not have another baby because of my small pelvis it was getting to dangerous. Two was the limit which was fine with us, because I think two is more than enough for us! So, with this it meant getting a tubal ligation during my c-section when I had Caroline. Although it has been almost three years i still remember my OB explaining to me that I may have worse periods after my ligation, but I laughed at that. Since I was 10 years old my periods have been horrible, like soaking tampons can't get out of the fetal position cramps, and bloating...ugh it was horrible. So, yeah i thought "ha can't be any worse!"....I was wrong.

The first year after Caroline I went about 7 months without having period, and when I finally did start it was HELL!!!! Ever since that one my periods vary, I can go a few months where it is so light I don't need anything, which you would think "Oh how nice!". Yeah its nice for the time being, but I know what will soon come... After a few months of light periods I get HELL all over again. It is as if my body is trying to clear everything out that did not get out over the past few months. Cramps are like labor, and bloating is INSANE! In fact this week I have gained 10 lbs thanks to bloating, yes ten! I started today, and I gained another three lbs, so since Saturday I have gained 13 lbs, thirteen! It will all go away once HELL is over, but right now I look and feel horrible. I do not understand why I gain so much, it's not like I go all crazy and eat my way through a room full of food or anything! Nothing changes actually, I eat normal and sometimes less because of damn cramps. Besides I don't think you gain 13 lbs normally just by eating, right?

So...don't get your tubes tied kids!