To tell you truth...

Before you begin to read this post I ask that you do not judge me, mentally or verbally. If you follow me on Facebook you know I went all crazy back in Jan and Feb. I was swimming, running and biking miles a week getting ready to compete in a triathlon in July. Then toward the end of Feb I ended up with a staph infection some how in my right ear. That infection was insanely painful, and I found out when I went to the ENT that I have lost 50% of my hearing in that ear due to it being almost full of scar tissue. I can't even use qtips in that ear anymore because it won't even fit. That infection caused me to stop working out for over two weeks because I was so sick from it, and so began my downward spiral. I'm still scared to death to go swim even though I was given the ok from ENT, but why have I stopped running and biking? I honestly have no idea. I have ran a few times through out the past few months, but other than that...nothing. I can blame the fact that Sloan was gone for two of those months, but really I could have done something. Let's face it, I gave up. I can no longer go to the triathlon I was working for because of Sloans deployment, so that is no longer my motivation, and I really have zero motivation to waste my time working out. Yes, working out to me is a waste of time, why? Because when I was killing myself with it I didn't loose like I wanted and then bam I stopped loosing weight and inches. When that happens...I say screw this shit I'm not wasting time. With that came weight gain and here I am back to where I started... What is going to motivate me to waste my time working out now? I can't work out while the kids are awake anymore because Sloan works days (thank goodness!) so that means wasting my special three hours when they go to bed. You see I have kids that do not allow me to do anything during the day, spinning will be ruined if I try it, paint will be stolen, and anything else will be broken. So what is going to motivate me to waste my special time to get back to where I was so I can quit again, gain it back, hate myself even more than normal, make myself waste time to loose it again, quit......etc...

Sorry no Texas

When we found out when Sloans predeployment leave was we of course figured we would go to Texas. After some thought though I finally told Sloan I did not want to waste money to listen to a certain someone bitch because I don't have the kids over there every freakn day. Now if you are from Texas you know how a june is there, over 100 everyday and you avoid going out if you can. So we end up sitting there doing nothing till around 5 when it finally cools down. I don't want to waste money doing this! I'm about to spend 6 freakn months there, and I don't want to add to it! See now I sound selfish, so I told Sloan I would fly him down there, he is the one leaving so he is most important. Turns out he thought I wanted to go and in fact he does not want to waste money on a Texas trip either. So good no time wasting trip down there. We have realized over the years that every time we waste money on a Texas trip, it truly is a waste of time and money. Sloans friends love to see him and hang out with him every night, but I have no one there anymore. They all disappeared and taught me that I never really mattered to them. So I hang out in my parents house the whole time and never leave it. Which is fine my mom is my only best friend now, but she knows it's almost become depressing to go back to all Sloans many friends and no one giving a shit to see me. But whatever so is life for me. You know I think I need to look over Sheldons friend chart to see how you make friends, because everyone I went to high school still has best friends that they talk to all the time, give a shit, and even makes trips to see them. Hmmm now how on earth do you get a friend like that?! I've even asked Sloan how he has friends galore but I know it's because everyone that meets him loves him. I know I know I bitch and bitch about this, but if you have friends you have no idea how it feels.