To tell you truth...

Before you begin to read this post I ask that you do not judge me, mentally or verbally. If you follow me on Facebook you know I went all crazy back in Jan and Feb. I was swimming, running and biking miles a week getting ready to compete in a triathlon in July. Then toward the end of Feb I ended up with a staph infection some how in my right ear. That infection was insanely painful, and I found out when I went to the ENT that I have lost 50% of my hearing in that ear due to it being almost full of scar tissue. I can't even use qtips in that ear anymore because it won't even fit. That infection caused me to stop working out for over two weeks because I was so sick from it, and so began my downward spiral. I'm still scared to death to go swim even though I was given the ok from ENT, but why have I stopped running and biking? I honestly have no idea. I have ran a few times through out the past few months, but other than that...nothing. I can blame the fact that Sloan was gone for two of those months, but really I could have done something. Let's face it, I gave up. I can no longer go to the triathlon I was working for because of Sloans deployment, so that is no longer my motivation, and I really have zero motivation to waste my time working out. Yes, working out to me is a waste of time, why? Because when I was killing myself with it I didn't loose like I wanted and then bam I stopped loosing weight and inches. When that happens...I say screw this shit I'm not wasting time. With that came weight gain and here I am back to where I started... What is going to motivate me to waste my time working out now? I can't work out while the kids are awake anymore because Sloan works days (thank goodness!) so that means wasting my special three hours when they go to bed. You see I have kids that do not allow me to do anything during the day, spinning will be ruined if I try it, paint will be stolen, and anything else will be broken. So what is going to motivate me to waste my special time to get back to where I was so I can quit again, gain it back, hate myself even more than normal, make myself waste time to loose it again, quit......etc...